A familiar pattern emerges

I have been trying to get healthy almost all of my life and it seems each attempt follows a certain pattern:

1. I need to lose weight. It’s going to be hard. How do I start?
2. Okay. I’m going to do this. I have a plan!
3. ALL IN, BABY! Look how much weight I lost in the first month!
4. Progress is surprisingly steady. I can do this forever!
5. Feeling good. Looking good. Keep going!
6. I have to grocery shop again?
7. Always having to think 3 meals ahead makes me exhausted…
8. I’ll just have takeout once a week. Try to keep it low carb as possible.
9. Okay, so a cheat meal snowballed into a cheat weekend. I can bounce back!
10. It took me three days, but I’m back!
11. Oh no, it’s the weekend again…
12. Well, it’s almost the end of the month, so, let’s start fresh on the first!

Yup, I’ve become very familiar with this pattern, yet I haven’t really been able to break it.

I visited a friend for her birthday before the new lockdown started. It was low-key, just 5 of us. Her husband is a great cook and he whipped up some great dishes and bought a delicious cake. It didn’t take me long to push my reservations and inhibitions aside and I took full advantage of all the sugary, carby goodness! I told myself briefly that I would get back on track the next day. But I didn’t. We had a bunch of junk food at home and instead of ignoring them like I had been doing since September, I ate it as if it was the last time I would ever eat junk food. As if.

That brings us to today. Monday. The magical day that I always say will be the fresh start that I need. It is currently 1:30pm and so far, so good. It’s the evenings that are harder for me. My plan is to keep busy, and get through today. Then do it again tomorrow. I feel like if I can get through 3 days, the 3 days after that will be a little easier, and so on. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Take it one day at a time.

Also, get more movement in this week. I’ve been doing walking workout videos on YouTube a couple of times a week and I’d like to make that a daily thing, since I don’t really leave the house these days.

I really want to break this pattern. I need to if I’m going to succeed long term.

Weigh-in Wednesday #3

HW: 296.6 lbs.

Last week: 233.4 lbs.

This week:  232.8 lbs.

WK1: -5.0 lbs.
WK2: No Change
WK3: -0.6 lbs.
WK4: — lbs.

TL: -63.8 lbs.

Not super exciting this weigh-in, but I think 0.6 lbs. is a respectable loss =)

So I struggled a bit on Monday this week. I had done really well on the weekend. I had ONE cheat meal, which, was planned on Saturday and I recovered well from it. However, on Monday night I suddenly told my husband I wanted pizza. Hubby is a fellow pizza lover, so I knew he would be down before he even said yes.

He asked if I really wanted it and to be honest, I didn’t REALLY REALLY want it. It told him I would lay down for a bit and let him know later. Maybe my brain was tired from work and I just needed to rest a bit before prepping dinner.

After 15 mins. of laying in bed, my husband asked if I had decided and I said yes, even though I still wasn’t sure. I guess part of me felt like I would feel bad for presenting the possibility of pizza and then taking it away. It’s silly really. I know my husband would have been fine if I changed my mind. One of the million things I love about him is how he can support me on my health journey but let me make my own decisions without judgement. He trusts that I will make the right choices for myself. (Even though sometimes I can’t be trusted, lol.)

Pizza is a dangerous food for both of us. When we get it, we always overeat. So yes, I have regrets about this unplanned cheat meal. I think my weight loss this week could have been much better. I know that in the end, this meal didn’t hurt my progress too much. It didn’t make me gain all my weight back. However, there’s something I need to learn from it. I was feeling some type of way on Monday and I can’t really pin point what it was, but it caused me to mindlessly eat pizza. I should have been able to find out what that “bad” feeling was instead of ignoring it and making myself forget it with food.

I knew that there was some sort of emotion tied to my decision to get pizza. I just didn’t want to explore it at the time. This is how I know I have an emotional eating problem. I think I even have a problem with sabotaging myself when I’m doing really well. I am on that edge of doing really and becoming careless, or continuing to do well.

I’ve been feeling awesome lately. Clothes fit better, movement is easier, skin is clearer. Mentally, I was feeling awesome too. So why did my brain decide that things were too good and turn against me on Monday? It could be something very deep-seeded and hard for me to dig out. Or maybe it is something as simple as, I was tired and just wanted a break from this long, hard journey.

I have to push through. I have to remember my ultimate why and reach my goal. Every time I lose focus, I push that goal farther down, I’ve been doing it for so many years. I don’t want to wait anymore. I have it in me. I can do this!

50 Days left in 2020!

So 2020 wasn’t the BEST YEAR EVER like I thought it would be back at the end of 2019…

I miss my friends and family so much. I miss hugging them. I miss playing with my god-children. I miss when we didn’t have to be afraid to be near each other.

But I want to reflect on my blessings this year.

My husband and I were able to continue working during the pandemic. My company luckily was already transitioning to working remotely full-time. This was a huge blessing for me. Working from home has helped me be more consistent at work. Not having to drive to the office has saved so much time and money.

Starting in January, I have been working on paying down my debt and I was able to pay off all 15K of my consumer debt by October 2020!!! I am helping my husband get his finances in order so he can also get rid of his debt too and we’re finally starting to save a proper emergency fund and a down-payment for a home!

I also feel blessed to be living with my in-laws at this time. It would not have been possible for us to improve our finances so quickly otherwise. We contribute $500 a month, which helps us so much and (hopefully) helps my in-laws as well.

Weight loss was of course a big goal for me in 2020. I wanted to get under 200 lbs. this year, but that’s not going to happen. It took me until September to get really serious about it so I’m not going to check that goal off, but I am still happy about where I am now. Since September, I’ve been able to lose 35 lbs. and I feel good about finishing off the year strong! My goal for the next 50 days is to stay consistent and hopefully lose another 15 lbs.

50 MORE DAYS! LET’S MAKE THE BEST OF THE REST OF 2020!!!

Day 163: 70 Days ’til Orlando!

Hey!

Wow, it’s been a minute since I’ve blogged here! Unfortunately, I haven’t been doing very well in the diet department… I have been up and down in weight since April (averaging between 211 lbs – 218 lbs). I will say that I don’t think I’ve gained any actual fat back because being on track for 2-3 days will usually have me back at my lowest (211).

My workouts have been good, though inconsistent for the past few weeks. I am still using the Strong Lifts app and I was almost at a 200 lb squat, but I skipped the gym for a week and let the app deload my workout, so I’ll have to work my way up again.

My eating has been atrocious, I am struggling to get more than 2 good days in a week. That’s why I’m here again. I read one of my older posts about motivation because I’m definitely lacking in that. I’m at that point now that I was afraid of: having to go on without motivation. I’ve fallen into a trap that I often do when I feel really good about myself. I’ve lost about 30 lbs, I feel healthier and stronger and my clothes fit better. For some reason, instead of continuing to improve, I’ve let myself slip because I don’t feel as bad as I did back in January, when I started. Well that ends now!

Today marks 70 days until me, my husband, my brother and sister take a week-long trip to Orlando! My husband has never been, so we’ll be hitting up a few Disney theme parks and the Universal Studio/Islands of Adventure parks. I feel like 70 days is a good amount of time to set a mini-goal: lose 20 lbs. This will mean I will be under 200 lbs. by the time we go on vacation. I’ll be weighing in tomorrow morning, so I’ll know just how much under 200 I am aiming to be.

I will also be working on daily goals to help keep track of things that I am actually doing to achieve this goal.

Today’s Goals:

• Strong Lifts 5×5
• 20mins of cardio
• Stick to MFP calorie goal
• Prep tomorrow’s meals

Missing emotional eating

Note: I wrote this post 4 weeks ago when I was reading Big Girl but didn’t feel ready to post it. Today, I am at the end of 4 days of caving in to emotional eating, so I feel it’s fitting to publish it now…

“The decline of emotional eating is one of the first recognizable perks you get from intuitive eating. But no one tells you about it, because it doesn’t feel much like a perk. It feels like losing your best friend—the one that makes every situation a little bit easier, never asks anything of you, and has the Thai take-out place on speed dial just in case you should ever have an unplanned feeling.” — from Big Girl by Kelsey Miller

I have been reading a lot of weight loss blogs and any weight loss memoirs I can find. So far my favorite remains: It was me all along by Andie Mitchell.

I’m currently reading Big Girl by Kelsey Miller. Kelsey is a writer who struggled with weight and dieting all her life (like me) and ventures to learn Intuitive Eating. The quote above does a really good job of explaining what emotional eating is for me. I can be 100% prepared for eating well. I have all my food prepared and portioned. I am eating regularly and never feel hungry. But then an “unplanned feeling” comes along and BAM! I want to throw it all out the window and turn to the food that comforts me, distracts me from pain, sadness, stress, boredom, excitement, anxiety…

I’m trying to live a healthy lifestyle, have a good relationship with food. Emotional eating does not fit into that lifestyle. So how come I actually feel like a part of me is holding on to emotional eating? Because as Miller describes, it totally is like losing a best friend. Even if that relationship is toxic, part of me misses it because I could call on it when in need, no judgements, no questions asked.

 

Fear vs. Pride

This journey has become a huge part of me.

I’ve poured a lot of myself out on here and it leaves me very vulnerable. So far, I’ve had very little exposure and those that have read anything on here have been strangers who are on the same journey and have been very supportive. Also, my husband.

Isn’t it funny how we hide our vulnerabilities from those who love us most? It’s because of fear, I think, that I don’t acknowledge my weight loss ‘journey’ around my family and friends. Somehow, admitting to them that I am trying to lose almost 100 pounds is hard! I am in no way afraid of being judged by my loved ones but I do have a fear of letting them down. Losing 100 pounds seems like such a huge undertaking. Surely, I’d have to be on The Biggest Loser to achieve that!

I always walk this line between wanting to be noticed and also not wanting to be the center of attention. It’s always a little scary for me to be the center of attention because I see myself in such a harsh light sometimes and I fear what a spotlight might reveal to others. However, I know that if I were to reach my goal, I would sing it to the world!

I am going to be proud now because I do have a lot to be proud of. Losing 25 pounds might only be less than a quarter of the way to my goal, but it’s a pretty big deal. Some days I can’t tell the difference, but other days I am so aware of how much happier I am now than I was two months ago. What’s going to get me further, fear of failing or pride in what I have done so far? Being proud of myself just gives me motivation to push harder. I can’t wait to see where I’ll be in two more months!

What’s going to get me further, fear of failing or pride in what I have done so far?

In an effort to remove fear, I’ve been wanting to disclose my journey to more of my friends and family. Yesterday, I started with my best friend and cousin, J. I hadn’t really planned on telling her yesterday, I don’t even know how the conversation started but it all just spilled out of me. I must have sounded passionate because she almost cried! I have always been able to talk to J about anything. I never fear judgement, and I know I will always get more than enough support from her. She is the best cheerleader! Anyway, she now knows about this blog (Hey, J!) and it feels so good to have another person in my life that understands what I’m going through. She’s also promised not to share with anyone until I am 100% comfortable with it.

Pretending that I’m not on this journey makes it so much more complicated. Eventually I will free myself from fear and just own it!

Day 61: Today I choose happiness

 

I have been trying to live by these quotes. This journey to health is hard! I have dealt with a lot of mood swings in the past few months. Highs and lows galore!

It makes a BIG difference for me to tell myself that it’s up to me to be happy today. My loved ones are good at cheering me up, but they can do everything in their power and it won’t make much of an impact if I’m too stubborn to choose to feel better.

Some days, though, this doesn’t work. I can say these quotes to myself over and over again but sometimes I just have to let myself cry when I’m too overwhelmed. That’s okay. I know it will pass.

Anyway… TODAY I am very happy! I am feeling good and I’m excited that I’ll be seeing some of my best girlfriends tonight. They are coming over for food and catching up. I’m not too worried about my diet tonight… it’s a carb day, so I’m saving my carb meal for this evening. Whatever it is we end up eating, even if it’s pizza or a burger, I’ve made sure I have plenty of calories to accommodate it. I just have to be careful about mindless snacking. We don’t have any junk food at home right now, but someone might decide to get some tonight. If there is junk food present, I will be sure to drink plenty of water instead. I also have almonds and carrots, if I really need to be chewing on something.

I feel like I’m making progress on this journey, mentally. I used to feel a certain level of anxiety in social situations when I’m on a diet. I would worry about what I would eat, what temptations there would be, how can I hide my diet without breaking my diet? I would be so focused on the food. Today, I am excited about the fact that I get to see my girls. The time I get to spend with my loved ones is the main point here, not the food! When this becomes second nature, going out will not be a big deal. I won’t agonize over good or bad food choices for days after and as a result give up on good choices altogether.

Sigh, I feel so free today.

Happy Friday, all!

Weigh-in Wednesday #8: Two Month Mark!

SW: 242.8 lbs

CW: 217.6 lbs

WK5: -2.2 lbs / +0.75 inches
WK6: +1.6 lbs / —
WK7: -5.4 lbs / —
WK8: -1.6 lbs / -4.5 inches

TL: -25.2 lbs / -19.75 inches

I have been on this Yoli BBS lifestyle for 2 months now and I have to stay that I am loving it. I am loving my results and the fact that I still enjoy my favorite indulgences every weekend. I am loving that I am seeing signs of better health everyday!

This month, did not go as perfectly as the first month. I introduced cheat meals this month, and I am still working on having a proper cheat meal that doesn’t turn into a cheat weekend.

I tweaked the program a bit, where I can have my second protein shake as my afternoon snack instead of using it to replace dinner. I missed coming home to cook a hot meal for my husband and myself. I think it’s a better fit for my lifestyle.

I am STILL trying to get myself to exercise regularly. I think I’m doing better than the first month, simply because I have been snowboarding a couple of times and trying to get as many steps in on my Fitbit but it’s not consistent enough.

I stopped taking measurements and progress pictures every week. The changes were too small and it was making me confused. I will be taking monthly measurements and photos from now on. (that means today!)

I’ve been having frequent cravings this month, probably due to the fact that I have cheat meals/days every weekend and the carb and sugar cravings take over. I know that if I can control my cheat meals, it might not be too hard. Resisting temptation when these cravings come is already getting easier 🙂

Going into month three, I have started a DietBet, which is another thing that is really keeping me motivated! I love being part of a group that is working towards the same goal. We share stories, photos, inspiration. It really helps me with my struggles to know that I am not alone! I am hoping to win the bet, meaning I have to lose 8.8 lbs by April 10th. That means, I need to be extra careful and work harder in the next few weeks. Month two only saw a 7.6 pound loss. Although that’s really good in my opinion, it won’t win me any money this month, lol.

Month 3 Goals:

• Workout 12 days (3 times a week)
• Stick to one cheat meal per week
• Try 3 new recipes

Here’s to a new month! Hoping for new discoveries, adventures and happy days!

Day 51: Goodbye Protein Shake Dinners!

Today feels like another good day.

Work is going well. I have my snacks and lunch with me. The weather outside is mild and refreshing, great for a lunchtime walk. B is going to pick me up from work so we can pick up some steaks for dinner. Yum!

Home cooked dinners together are something we’ve been missing out on since I started this journey and I want to change that. Until now, I’ve been having protein shakes for dinner leaving my husband to eat leftovers or something. This is another thing that I’ve felt slightly guilty about. I want us to be in the habit of cooking together and enjoying the fruits of our labor together. It really is a good and different way to enjoy each others company. I’ve managed to work with myfitnesspal to add in even a light dinner each night and have my shake as a snack while cooking.

My diet should fit my lifestyle, not the other way around

Replacing meals with shakes is something I’m familiar with and it’s definitely helped me in a couple of ways up until now but it’s just not part of the lifestyle I want for myself and I think I’m ready to let go of that part of the program. I always thought, if I’m not following the rules exactly, I won’t lose weight. So I would either end up miserable, following the rules, or I’d give up entirely. But what if all I needed to do was alter the diet to fit my lifestyle, until I found a happy balance? This is what I’m trying to achieve this time. Although I feel like I need the guidance and structure of a program right now, I aim to alter it piece by piece until it’s no longer a diet, but a (healthy) lifestyle.

Now that I’m having actual dinners, what am I eating today?

Breakfast: YES Vanilla Protein Shake w/ Almond Milk, Passion Energy Drink

AM Snack: 1/2 cup Plain Greek Yogurt, 24 Raw Almonds

Lunch: Baked White Fish, Steamed Broccoli, Broccoli Slaw dressed with a little Mayo, Lemon and Black Pepper

PM Snack: Grilled Chicken Breast, Cucumber Slices, Ranch Dip, Passion Energy Drink

Pre-Dinner: YES Vanilla Protein Shake

Dinner: Grilled Steak, Baby Spinach w/ Greek Dressing

This is a protein day. Since the fish is very low calorie, there was plenty of room for dinner. I’m curious to see how I’ll fit a dinner into a carb day.

Guilt of another kind

I tend to overthink things. A lot. Growing up, I noticed I have the tendency to feel things intensely. I empathize and I am sensitive to other people’s feelings. It’s not surprising then, that I am also a ‘people-pleaser’.

What I’m getting at, is  I like to make people around me happy. And I always want my husband to be happy, of course. The other night when my husband suggested we have Subway for dinner, I said “I’m having a protein shake tonight, but we can go get Subway for you.” He replied with “D’awwww”. For some reason, this caused internal agony for me. I started to feel guilty that for the most part, I will have to turn him down when he wants to eat out, order in, etc. I started to feel like I was letting him down. I didn’t want him to feel bad for me and taint his dinner experience. I don’t mind that I was having a protein shake for dinner, it was my choice. I could have switched my shake with my afternoon snack so that I could eat my fish and broccoli for dinner, but I decided not to.

Before I started this program, we ate out a lot. We ordered pizza a lot. We snacked on food late into the night. It was a big part of our lives and something we enjoyed doing together. I’m breaking that habit for myself, but I don’t want my husband resenting me for limiting him as a side effect. I talked to him about it, he told me that I shouldn’t think like that and he promised to support me. He doesn’t think much about this kind of stuff, unlike me.

It’s so ironic that I would feel guilty for not eating out or not eating junk food. I know in the big picture, that it benefits my husband as well to not be eating out as often.

I just spent so much of my life being told I can’t eat out, I can’t eat this or that … I wasn’t in control.

For once, I feel in control. But I’m not looking to control others. I want this lifestyle change for myself. I know the sacrifices I need to make. I’m working to accept them.

Maybe I was just feeling frustrated that I couldn’t just say ‘Yes’ to my husband. There isn’t really anything I wouldn’t do for him. Next time I just have to remember it’s not a big deal, it won’t always be a ‘No’. I’m not letting him down. He loves and supports me. He’s proud of the progress I’ve made.